Turning Inward: Redirection from Toxic Behaviors
Updated: Jun 21, 2021
It was less than a year ago I found myself sitting at the bar, alone, looking for something or someone to fill the void. I was struggling financially, with a constant back and forth about what my next career move should be. I wasn’t sure if the answer was to continue school for nursing, another bartending job or opening a new business. I was raising my son and separated from his dad which was a challenging in itself. My son is the most amazing human being. So independent and kind, but even on the best days I was constantly second guessing most of the decisions I made up until that moment.
Sometimes it would seem like the world around me would just keep spinning and I was struggling to find my footing. There’s been countless times this past year where I have felt overwhelmed by the reality of life and I just choose to drown out the world with my go-to toxic behaviors. Anything that would serve as a distraction whether its alcohol, sex, or sleep. Of course when I’m on the clock as a mom, I do my best to be focused and present for my son, so on my time off the mommy clock, I would be quick to run to the vices that served as a quick fix.
At a certain point, I had had enough. It was the week I had several reoccurring dreams about returning to my job in the keys. Yes, it was a bartending and serving position, but it was the job that allowed my to be completely financially independent with five days off in a row with my son. Not only that, I was able to spend time in the place I love the most, the Florida Keys. In the beginning of January, I returned to working weekends in Marathon and made a promise to myself that I was to focus on work, spending quality time with my son, and dedicating free time to self-improvement. Spiritual, mental, and emotional improvement, I am a firm believer that when you are decisive, the universe will conspire in your favor. I returned to work, got back in my flow of financial abundance, and spent my free time engaging in meaningful actives for myself and my son.
Sure enough, just a few weeks after returning to the keys, I met someone (an extremely handsome and funny man). He was the first person that I felt like I could really see a future with since my ex-husband. Of course, this was exciting and gave me all the feels as we were spending all our free time scuba diving, adventuring, and relaxing, But I knew I needed to stay focused on one thing: Alignment!
No matter who comes into your life, I truly believe that If you stay in alignment with your
highest self, you cannot be led astray.
So now you’re probably wondering where the toxic behaviors return.... Lets just say, this past week has been challenging. For whatever reason, I have been exhausted. My son has been crabbier than usual (toddler life). His school is closed the day I need to leave for the keys so this lingering feeling of anxiety has been creeping up that I will be late to work and loose money or let down my colleagues. A group of friends wanting to socialize, when I can barely get a load of laundry going. Not only that, but in this time of needing more encouragement more than ever, I am finding my partner is not seeing or hearing what my needs are. It's not his fault, he’s only partially aware of everything going on.
So I’m sitting here reflecting on my options. I can just get through the week and get wasted after work on Friday, turn to social media or an old flame for the lack of attention I feel like I’m receiving, or I sit in self reflection and move through these intense, uncomfortable, but valid emotions (fun!)
I know what the easy solution is, and I know what the right solution is. The thing is, we are all human beings with emotions, vices, and personal solutions. You might think you are alone, but the truth is, you are not. Everyone has their own personal battles and it’s how you choose to move through them that will define your future. Today I am choosing personal expansion, I am leaving old patterns and toxic behaviors behind. I choose to breathe, move, get outside, read, clean my house and create a sacred space. I choose my own individuality and take space from my partner, recognizing that he has his own battles and that the only way to get back into my alignment is doing the inner-work, I am the only one responsible for this. I choose to be present for my son, relishing in our time together and allowing my inner-child to play. These are the formative years and his happiness is number one besides my own. I choose to redirect these toxic – behaviors and create something beautiful.